The Valleys, the Mountains & Delaware.

We (the fam and I) had a pretty normal weekend for us: Played outside, I had my third IVIG treatment Saturday afternoon, I made steak, we planted some basil in a cool plant box thing, and I tried to pop yet another wheelie (keyword is "tried").

It was a good weekend and I was able to finish the IVIG treatment without a major migraine. (Also, both myself and Toddler were no longer dealing with sinus infections.) We were finally back on top of our mountain.

 It's nice up on that mountain. We haven't been on that mountain in almost a month.

That was Monday, yesterday. About 21 hours from right now.

Right now, we're back in the valley.

It's muggy, humid, and hot and it makes me have the "stress sweat" that those Degree Deodorant commercials talk about (it's a real thing for those of you who are confused).

Toddler and I both woke up grumpy as can be. The AC didn't kick on and we woke up because we were hot. Sure, it was only 74 degrees in the house, but to us (I have a medical reason and she's two) that's SUPER uncomfortable. But, I handled it. I got her up, grabbed a cool towel, turned on the AC, grabbed a fan, and my mommy game was strong.

I was on a detour on my mountain, but still there hanging out.

Then I got the voice mail from a bank all (allllllll) the way in Delaware , saying that I needed to call back right away because my bank account was being hacked.

??? (WHAT?!)

I've never been to Delaware. I'm not even sure where Delaware is, to be honest.

I called the bank back exclaiming (trying to maintain some composure with cranky Toddler clawing at my face the one time I'm on the phone), that "I have never been to Delaware," "I have no account there," "Heck-NO! I'm not giving you my social security number over the phone because I don't know you," etc etc etc... for almost an hour.

Through all of this, I was still trying to hang on to that mountain top. Trying desperately to cling to that happy-high,  while my wheelchair was being pushed to the edge.

But then I forgot to check the weather forecast before going outside.  And if you have Multiple Sclerosis, one of the more common issues a lot of us deal with is good 'ol heat sensitivity . For me, exposure to a hot shower often leaves me more weakened than I was before the shower, which isn't a big deal because I shower before bed and Husband is always willing to help me out (he's a cool guy).

 But Michigan's heat is a nasty, heavy, humid heat that makes my body (brain, mouth, vision, etc.) go haywire.

I could tell and feel that things were going downhill. My thoughts weren't as clear, I couldn't talk, I stuttered, I was a mess and the more I realized this, the worse everything became. Part of me hopes that others saw it as well, because I hope I don't appear that way on a good day/moment (#realTalk).
                                                                                                            

With everything that happened, in the valley or on the mountain top, the one thing I need to remember, remember, remember (like how I breathe and blink) is, God is there both high and low.

One of my favorite song lyrics from the song, Hope Now ... "how quickly I forget I'm Yours" (by Addison Road).

I'm sitting here freaking out and praying, "God, I seriously am NOT in the mood for all this today. Yesterday was such a good day , I haven't had a good day in such a long time and "poof" it's gone. GAHHHHHHH!!!!"

And the truth is,  I know that whether I am on a mountain top or deep within a Michigan-style humid valley, God is right there.

 I know that regardless of my previous day or how I feel that morning, I must start every by thanking God for a new day, for the strength that I have, for the mobility I have, for the home I have, for all the blessings I have. I must learn to always lean on Him to get me through the good and bad.

 I know all of this, but I quickly I forget who's I am and who I am. Anyone else like that?

Each day is a new day with its own gunk. Sometimes it's leftover gunk mixed in with the new, some days the gunk pops up from a random bank in Delaware (I need to find a map).

 I can never know what these temporal days will hold, but I do know that I'm not walking (or rolling) alone.

Life lessons are learned everyday through everything. Stop putting stock in feelings (happy or not), but put it all down for a God who never changes. (#truth)

(Rocking my cooling vest to bed tonight.)

Til Death Do Us Part...

I wrote the first part to this blog, "For Better or Worse...", with Endless Pursuit (check it out here)
 a few months ago. 

Here's part two:

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." -Ephesians 5:33

Entering into this journey of marriage, I had no idea what to expect. I had some great ideas for what I wanted my marriage to be and what I wanted it to look like (and what I didn't want), but like most life "experiences" until you're IN it, you really don't fully understand.

As a Christian, I know that the model of marriage is one of the most beautiful things that God designed. For King & County's lyrics of, "Some sort of magic how two can turn into one..." beautifully exclaims that intimate bond between husband and wife, but as we all know staying bonded together is a lot easier said than done.

When you add sickness and the stress that comes with that, on top of the everyday life gunk... you really start to learn that in order for your marriage to survive in a world of 50% divorce, you have to fight for it. Loving each other threw the mundane parts of life and to liking each other at the end of the day, means that we have to fight for it. Movies make it seem easy to do, but reality is that it's not.

Marriage for us means praying, forgiving, giving, sharing, sacrificing, throw-up bowls, hospitals stays, medication, ice-packs on sore muscles, band-aids on toes (I have a hatred of cuts on toes), and the list goes on and on.

There is so much amazing good, but only if we continue to really push through for that. We have learned so much, but have still so much more to learn and so much more to grow.

Today, May 15,  we celebrate five years of marriage! We celebrate, we rejoice, we dance because we are thankful that we have each other as life partners on this crazy, life ride. Five years of forging two lives into one. Five years in on a lifelong journey, til death do us part.

(I love you, Husband. <3)

(P.S. Happy Birthday! :) )

Walkers & Doll Strollers.

I can still remember sitting up in my hospital bed, looking over the Doctors notes and wondering, "How am I going to be a mom after all of this?"

For whatever reason (most of which I have only shared with God and those close to me), I have been on the search of perfect for a majority of a my childhood and into my adolescent years. Maybe one day I'll write or vlog about my experience in foster care being the oldest child of a sibling group of three... but for now just know that a lot of those experiences shaped me in ways that made me strong,  while at the same time making me afraid to be weak

Afraid of imperfection.

Afraid that if imperfections showed in me, that somehow I would be loved less. That somehow, being perfect would have made my mom stay in 2001. That perfect was the solution and to never fall short of that. Coming out of The System I felt the need to prove myself as a young, black woman who did not grow up in a typical manner to everyone else looking in. I have always been strong-willed with a sense of what I wanted to do, and for the most part, I have accomplished the goals I had set forth for myself. I made it a point to do that. (I had my first job at 14 to save up for my Grand Am.)

I wanted to go to college, graduate and become a social worker (which I did, despite Multiple Sclerosis) but for what? And for who?

I was talking to a friend recently about my story; Life before MS, before the two miscarriages, before the fibroid removal surgeries... my life. And she called me something I have heard a lot in the past 25 years; An old soul.

I have been thinking and praying a lot over the last months about my purpose. I was so sure that I knew what it was and that the path I had picked out for myself was IT. But, while in the valley of MS-attacks, I have really learned that my plan may not be Gods plan. I'm learning to let go of perfection and embrace imperfection because for me, it makes me depend on God more than myself.

My thoughts of, "How am I going to be a Mom after all of this," was fear of imperfection. Fear that those looking in would point out what I was doing wrong and what I couldn't do and how I was not being a good mother because of MS and the wheelchair. Fear that I would not be good enough. Fear that I wasn't good enough.

Fear that I would not be able to be the mom who needed a walker to stand, while playing with her daughter and her doll stroller.

Fear is a great liar.

Knowing that perfect isn't the answer to my problems has been the key to unlocking me and my heart. Having faith in God and writing his truths on my heart has been what really makes me strong.

Maybe my legacy isn't going to be that of a former foster youth who made something of her life against all odds. But, a mother who prayed and pressed on in faith through trails and disease who raised a daughter to do the same.

A daughter who remembered playing with her doll stroller, while her mommy practiced standing.

Letting go of the past to press on towards the true goal in life. (Philippians 3:12-14)